He lived for our sins

Drs. Oz, Phil & Carson have conferred the prestigious honorary doctorate to Donald Trump. Dr. Trump is now an official of the Alice In Wonderland Fox Medical Corona Virus Team. Known for his absolute PERFECT record on anything he does, Trump is expected to be a valuable contributor to the cure for … just about everything!

Dr. Fauci: Blocked

Contrary to many of the reports in the FAKE news regarding President Trump’s refusal to allow Dr. Fauci to testify before the house, it has nothing to do with Dr. Fauci contradicting Trump’s closest advisers Dr. Phil, Dr. Carson & Dr. Oz of Alice in Wonderland – nor is it because he doesn’t participate in the nightly seances
at the White House.

Source of the Virus?

After extensive investigations in conjunction with Marahesh Marish Yogi have determined without any doubt that the source of the Corona virus was a laboratory in Hunan, China. This determination was made by data-driven statistical mentalism at the Hopkins Culinary Institute.

It is suspected that Chinese scientists working for the Democratic Party were experimenting with a super virus derived from the brains of certain bats. They had called in Dr. Carson to deal the with possibility that the bat brain may reveal some of the logic behind Presidents Trump’s recent actions. During brain probes of a bat that had recently digested the blood of a 9-day-old chicken, Dr. Oz farted. That gas mixed with some strange bat brain germ and Shazam!! — the Corona virus was born! escaping through the drawers of Dr. Oz.

Trump Knows How to Place a Bet

A lot of people are wondering why the FAKE news never mentions the fact that President Trump has extensive knowledge of the gambling industry, having run and managed several failed casinos. He knows how to place a bet. He is familiar with the odds and has carefully weighed the odds of opening up against the odds of several thousand people dying as a result.

The public can feel rest assured that the dollar return far outweighs whatever pain, suffering and dying that may result from a premature opening. Odds around 50-50 and mostly poor Democrats will be affected anyway.

Gun Debate Gets Real

President Trump says that Michigan protesters set an excellent example of the proper weapons to carry during a protest – especially in the Capitals of government buildings. The president is consulting with the NRA regarding legislation requiring all political representatives carry AK-47s during legislative debates.

Healing Through Telepathy

Dr. Oz, in conjunction with the Healing Through Telepathy Foundation, and Dr. Phil has formulated a combination E.D. cure and hair-growth formula that Trump and Kim were taking. Unfortunately there was a slight mix-up and Don’s telepathic transmission was confused with Kim Jong-Un – causing Trump’s formerly out-of-control hair to be suddenly well-groomed and tight on the sides… and Kim Jon-Un is suddenly grabbing at women’s privates.

Miss MAGAmerica

The President’s staff has come up with a brilliant plan – killing 2 birds with one stone – and saving the taxpayers millions. There will be a tryout for Personal Assistant to the President and Contestant for the Miss America Pageant at the same time! The contestants must be prepared to answer many in-depth political questions and look good in a bathing suit. Runners-up will be considered for backup newscasters on Fox News.

Dr. Fauci Must Go!

Fox News has uncovered the fact that Dr. Fauci was not born in this country and is basically an illegal immigrant. He says he’s Italian, but his birth certificate looks like it’s been altered and he looks Jewish. It is suspected that he somehow got through the super-duper wall separating us from Mexico during the last mass attack from the Mexican drug dealers trying to get on our welfare system. No one has actually seen the original birth certificate… only copies. Attorney General Barr is looking into this matter and may expedite an immediate expulsion back to Israel… where it is suspected he came from.