Nobody Gets it Worse Than Trump

During a seance last night, Presidents Lincoln and Trump got into a major dispute as to who is getting the worse treatment by the news. President Trump’s Ouija board determined that he is getting the worse treatment. This was confirmed by Dr. Carson’s Ouija board with Attorney General Barr at the helm, making the moves.

Trump’s Governmental Philosophy

Alice has uncovered the theory behind Trump’s governmental philosophy. Brilliantly conceived and appropriately named: The Lowest Common Denominator
This theory holds that if there are more than one possible answer to a philosophical or environmental situation, a major pandemic or war…. the BEST and most PERFECT approach is to get as many answers from as many different camps as possible, find the one common thread that runs through ALL the answers …and pick the lowest common mental denominator. Declare this answer to be the ‘MOST PERFECT ANSWER THAT WAS EVER CONCEIVED TO ANY QUESTION EVER ASKED – and run with it. This approach to government messaging and action has appeal to not only his hard core base – it has the extra benefit of appeasing the country’s enemies.

Heartless: Major Factor

Alice reports that Tin Man has been recruited as a lobbyist for the weak, hungry, repressed and historically segregated. A pick that required years of research into how to affect the empathy-impaired. It was felt that this pick could be easily identified with by the Trump Immigration Team. The fact that he has no heart was a MAJOR factor in his consideration.

The Vetting is Complete

Alice reports that Dr. Carson is vetting Scarecrow to make sure there are no remnants of a brain in his head. Once a thorough vetting is complete and Dr. Carson is convinced no brain particles remain, President Trump will have a ready candidate for the next vacancy. The beauty of this vetting is… he will be fully-prepared for any appointment.

The Best Sex Ever

When President Trump revealed that he knew what was wrong with Kim Jun and was the only one who knew, he wasn’t joking. He also wasn’t joking, as many people thought, when he revealed that Kim was sending him beautiful love letters. The MOST beautiful love letters in the world! This was not taken literally by most people, however, the two were actually having a torrid affair. The two were said to have had what they believed to be the best sex ever. No one knows for sure why Trump decided to break off the affair but Kim was devastated and stayed in his room for weeks… moping and building bombs … threatening suicide. Trump called in Dr. Phil who saved Kim and probably the world! Thanks to Trump’s quick thinking and action and a special thanks to Dr. Phil, the next Secretary of Mental Health.

Perfectly Paranormal

It is reported that Dr. Oz has been charged by President Trump to put together a panel of the best para-psychics, medicine men and astrologists. It is rumored that he has traveled deep into the rain forest of the Amazon to track down some of the most powerful medicine men in the world. The astrologist he is looking for will have tremendous credentials and be damn near PERFECT if not perfect, the para-psychics will be selected from the best of the Psychic Hotline. This special panel will be consulted before any major decisions are made. The public cam rest assured that no major wars will be engaged without compliance to strict seance rules checked with the Ouija board and followed by Tarot card confirmation.

Seeking Representation

It is reported that President Trump is looking for another very personal lawyer to replace Giuliani after Giuliani replaced Cohen and Cohen replaced the prior Trump personal lawyer, who is now serving 10 years in federal prison after several well-known, partially-known and unknown lawyers turned down the job. He has gone to the Bar Association’s Lawyer Referral Program under an assumed name. Any lawyers associated with that program should be on the lookout for someone looking for representation before the US Congress and possibly the Supreme Court.

The Wisdom of Jared

During a seance at the White House, it is reported that a serious dispute took place between Dr. Carson and Dr. Oz as to who’s Ouija board to use. Fortunately, Middle East peacemaker Jared Kushner was there to intervene and settle the dispute. He had a brilliant plan to settle the matter by splitting the boards in half and then put a board together with half Dr. Oz’s board and half Dr. Carson’s. This amazing plan actually worked and the seance went perfect after that. Some amazing discoveries and solutions evolved from this Ouija board. There is talk that this board may replace what was thought to be Trump’s long standing favorite Ouija board, as it is starting to wear out.